stagg.

“Our prayer this Christmas season is that the light and testimony of the Savior's divine mission will come into our hearts and be reflected in our lives and in our homes.”

          --The First Presidency, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints

Ten days before Christmas (yesterday), we received some not-so-great news.

It didn't come as a huge surprise, as we knew it could happen, but it was nonetheless disappointing.

I am not one to spill my life story to a stranger at the grocery store,

or even to family and friends.

I try not to complain, but man, sometimes life can be so...

challenging.

For the past 15 months, I have struggled with post-partum depression.

I experienced it after I had Autumn then it got better, but came back in full force after Abbey was born.

It is amazing to me how treatable and untreatable this condition is!

One day I am great, ready to take on the world (my messy house and energetic daughters),

and the next, I can't even muster up the strength to life my head from my pillow.

Not to mention I suffer from chronic migraines and usually have them 3-5 times a week.

(I have tried just about everything I can think of to get rid of/treat them).

So, I am not in the best health, to say the least.

It is so hard.

Sometimes I feel so alone.

There are days when I wish I could disappear.

Some days I feel so hopeless that I want to go crazy!

I have not been myself these past 15 months.

I wish I could have my old self back.

It is not something that I can control.

It is not a mind over matter kind-of-thing.

When people make jokes about Prozac, it is very hurtful.

If it wasn't for Prozac, I wouldn't be able to get out of bed every day!

There is a lot of guilt associated with depression.

Feelings of not being good enough.

These feelings take over my thoughts and make me sick to my stomach.

It's so overwhelming.

I just want to feel good enough again.

It is so hard not to get offended by the smallest of things.

I hate it.

I wear my heart on my sleeve as it is, so now it's almost unbearable.

Since receiving this bad news from my husband, I am so grateful for my faith in Jesus Christ.

I don't know how I am handling it so well.

I know that Heavenly Father is giving me the super-strength that I require right now to get through this!

I am just trying to remain faithful.

Rely fully on The Lord.

Push all thoughts of fear and doubt out of my head.

I will be spending a lot of time on my knees, praying fervently for more strength.

I'm sorry if this comes off as dark or negative,

but sometimes it just feels good to get one's feelings out and into the open.

As Christmas approaches, and we don't have a cent to our name,

I am going to reflect on the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ.

Because of him we can be forgiven.

All of our sins can be washed away.

What an incredible blessing.

I have my family and I have my faith--

I am the richest woman in the entire world.